Twice this past week, I've been faced with the unsettling fact that I am a predictable creature of routine. Well, I've known that about myself for quite a while, but lately, I've been thinking more often about it, and been feeling.... discontented. I want to change that. I have to wonder, am I a predictable person who follows routine and constancy because I really want to, or because I'm afraid to take risks? I've always thought it was my nature to be predictable, to love and thrive on consistency and routine, but the way I've feeling in recent months, I'm not so sure. I think I've been using it as an excuse to cover up my fear. Fear of trying new things, fear of taking risks and getting hurt or failing. Although I do have a nature of consistency, I don't want to use it as a crutch. I don't want to look back on my life, or go through my life, feeling discontent and feeling regrets because I've been afraid to do something. Afraid to reach out for something I really want, for whatever reason.
My eyes have been opened a bit this week. First, I received an email from a nutritionist/fitness expert, Brad Pilon, who stated that unless you get out of your comfort zone, you'll never change. You'll never get what you want. And he's right. I like staying in my comfort zone, not because I really enjoy it, but because it's easy. I'm being lazy, and I'm allowing fear to rule my life. Another eye opener I had was when I was reading a book this week. The female protaganist is an adventurer, flitting from one thing to the next. She meets the male protaganist, who has closed himself off from all risks, and has settled into a life of boring routine. In the book, they have this conversation, and Isobel states that there's a risk in everything worth doing.
She's right. I can continue on in my life, doing the same thing day in and day out, because it's easy, comfortable, and low-risk. But it's also boring. It's easier to be single, I think. But is it better? In some ways, yes. But I think life can be so much richer when you share it with someone else. I want that. I tolerate my current job, I like certain things, but I know I can't do it my whole life. It will suck my heart out of me. I love working with the animals too much to give it up, but I can't do research with the animals my whole life. As much as I try to keep them comfortable and safe, there are times when I can't do that. And it kills me inside. It literally breaks my heart. Some days, when I'm alone in the animal room, I'll hold some of the mice and weep over them. They're just tiny mice. Important to not many people. But they're important to me. I love them, I love all animals, and I always have. I've wanted to be vet since I was eight years old, and I wanted that for so long. Until I started getting older, and realizing all the obstacles ahead of me. The rigorous schooling, all the money involved, how hard it is to get accepted into vet school. And I got scared, and I let that dream go. And I settled. I settled for something less than I wanted, something less than I dreamed of, and I'm paying for it. Every time I hurt a mouse, instead of healing it, I hate myself. Even as I write this I'm crying over them. Research is a necessary evil, it has saved so many lives. I don't regret that, but I do wish we never had to do it in the first place. Oh Eve, if only you could have seen all the affects of your taking that fruit. So many people forget that the world was a perfect place in Eden, where death and sickness didn't exist. Because of our sin, sickness abounds. Research is needed, and while I'm happy I can help humanity, I'm sick of hurting the animals that I love so much.
Since leaving college, I've been searching. Searching for what to do with my life that would make me happy and joyous. Searching for the calling God had given me. And it seemed so elusive. I'd shoved all memories of my childhood dreams aside. People kept telling me I should do this, or that, and I'd believe them for a while, and look into what they suggested, but nothing seemed right. I had no drive for it, no passion. Not for being a pharmacist, or a doctor, or a physician assistant. Then as I started at Lankenau, people noticed me with the mice. How much I cared for them in even the littlest things, how I'd wrap them in a blanket of gauze strips after performing ultrasounds, how I check the little pups after I wean them from the mother to make sure they're eating and drinking right. And they mentioned how I'd make a really good vet, and all of a sudden, my dreams rushed right back. And it finally felt right. Kind of like coming home after a really long trip, or finding your way after being lost for a while. That sense of peace and relief and knowing.
I'm glad I've re-awakened those long ago dreams, but I am a little scared. Forget that, I'm a lot scared. I have a lot of hard, hard work and sacrifice ahead of me if I want to pursue this goal and succeed. Before I even start, I need to take a stats class, to fulfill my scholastic requirements. I have to take the GRE's, and do well. I have to start looking for vets to volunteer for, so I get more experience with animals and so I can get a good recommendation for vet school. Then I have to apply, and the hardest of all, get in. I also have to look for all the scholarships I can, because vet school is extremely expensive. I've discovered that there are few vet schools in the US, and you're best bet is getting into the school in your State. Unfortunately, UPenn is the only vet school in PA, and it's quite expensive. Not only that, it's located in the city, which I despise. I dread going to school in the city, and even worse, living there. But it's a sacrifice I'll have to make if I want to succeed. And I do want to succeed. I do want this. I know there are risks. Risks of trying and not succeeding. Risks of hefty school loans that will take YEARS to pay off. Risks of putting other aspects of my life on hold so I can achieve this goal. But like Isobel said, there's always risks in something worth doing. And I truly believe that this is worth doing.
Dr. Jennifer R. Pyle, D.V.M. I like it. :)
