There's gotta be somebody

Ugh. Sometimes I feel like I'm being beaten over the head with stories of love and happiness, and it just really sucks. If I see that stupid E-Harmony TV commercial with Joshua and Tanylee one more time, I think I may throw my TV out the window. It's so hard to watch for people like me, the singleton who has barely had any relationships and just gets to watch everyone around me fall in love and be so happy, while I'm just stuck watching. I feel like the kid in elementary school who always gets picked last for the team. With every kid that gets picked, your heart just gets tighter and tighter with the pain of knowing that you're not wanted. That everyone else has something better than you, something that makes them special, something that you don't have.

I don't mean to cry and whine all the time. Quite often I just buck up and go about my business and find some hope in my heart that God hasn't forgotten me. But sometimes, especially around times like stupid Valentine's Day, it gets harder to be positive and hopeful, and I just need to vent.

But I love Nickelback sometimes, cause they have some great songs, and this is one of my new favorites and perfect for how I'm feeling right now.

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me,
ohhhNobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

3.5 years and fifty pounds later

So for those of you who don't know this, I've been working hard to change my body and get healthy since my senior year in college. I'd say I started changing my outlook around August 2005. What happened was the craziness of college completely got to me. One day I stepped on the scale and almost had a heart attack when I saw how much I weighed. And though I tried to hide it in the clothes I wore, I knew I definitely needed to lose weight. It's strange how the weight just kind of creeps up on you, and bad habits form, including not excercising because I was "too busy" and just waaaaay overeating. It's amazing how easy it is to overeat. I literally had to count calories the first month or two I started making changes, because I was just eating so much extra and I didn't even realize it. In October 2006, I really started taking things seriously when I joined the gym at Fox Chase Cancer Center. I received a lot of support from my friend and sort of trainer, Matt. Not to mention receieving support and feedback from other members, such as my friend Loretta, and the women of my aerobics class. Once I joined the gym, I really started changing physically. It was so awesome! Every 3 months, I would keep motivated by having Matt take all my measurements and run me through some fitness tests, so I could see my progress and how I changed. It was amazing! I loved seeing myself improve.

I was so sad to leave the FCCC gym when I got my new job at Lankenau, but I had found another great gym right by my house- the Ardmore location Philadelphia Sports Club. It fit me perfectly and I felt very comfortable there. I've also made some new friends, which makes going more fun and also keeps me accountable.

This all leads up to this past Wednesday. I had to go to the doctor for a checkup, and the nurse weighed me. I hadn't weighed myself in quite a long time, I really do believe it's just a number, and I was seeing results physically so didn't care about the number on the scale. But it was awesome when the nurse said I weighed 133 lbs!! I was ecstatic! I literally can't remember when I weighed that little- 8th or 9th grade probably. I know I weighed more than that in 10th grade. The best part is, being 133 lbs means that I have lost FIFTY pounds since I was my heaviest. Yes folks, I had once weighed 183 lbs in college. I didn't think I looked it back then, but now that I look back on pictures of myself during that time, I can definitely see it. It's so great to know that all my hard work has paid off!

And so lastly, I want to encourage anyone reading this to start today and work on changing your body for the better as well. It's hard work, definitely, but it pays off in so many ways. Cheers for good health! :)

My new roommate

So, I thank you Britty and Katie for giving me advice! And I have decided to go with Chris as my new roommate. I really got along well with him, and quite frankly, I am sick to death of showing my apartment to people who seem interested and then don't take it for some reason or other. I am very glad I'm not a real estate agent. And another reason I decided on Chris is because it helps me out of my comfort zone. I tend to be a very safe person, I don't like living on the edge and making risky decisions. I tend to rationalize and think things through. I don't like feeling uncomfortable for any reason.

But when I think about times that I've either been forced out of my comfort zone or wandered out on my own, I didn't die. Lighting didn't come down and strike me, I was never so miserable I was scarred for life. Usually, I found out that when it was all said and done, I had a good time, or I learned something new, or I changed for the better in some way. One recent example is fitness in my life. I was gradually changing things about me in areas of diet and fitness to become the best me I can be. However, at the gym, I started to stall. I was hiding out in the upstairs room that had limited weight (only 25 lbs) and I stopped seeing changes because I wasn't working hard enough anymore. I needed heavier weights to change again. But that meant going down to the first floor weight room, which was very scary to me. That's where all the ripped guys and girls were who really looked like they knew what they were doing. I didn't feel I belonged there... I didn't want to look foolish. But then I read an article by one of my favorite health and fitness gurus :) Brad Pilon. And in his article he was saying that if you never get out of your comfort zone, you'll never change. It's a matter of your priorities and what you really want for your life. Right there, I realized he was right. I still wanted my body to change, so I knew I'd have to buck up and head to the first floor weight room. And you know what? No one laughed at me. No one stopped and stared and made me feel weird or strange or like I didn't belong. I could work out better (and made some new friends in the process) and change for the better. And I'm really glad I did.

In the case of my new roommate, I'm apprehensive only because I don't know what to expect. Besides for my Dad, I have never lived with a guy before in my entire life. But I think it will be an interesting experience from which I can learn a lot. Perhaps living with Chris can help better prepare me for learning how to live with my future husband (if I ever get married). I've learned how to live and compromise with other girls, now maybe it's time to be tested if I can compromise sharing living quarters with a guy. While the process may be uncomfortable for me at times, I think I'll learn a lot from it. The best part is, if worst does come to worst, I can always move out. I'm hoping though that it doesn't come to that! :)

So, thanks everyone for their prayers and concern and advice for me during this time of roommate searching. I've really appreciated all your help!

Roommate update.... advice wanted! :)

So here it is, a few weeks after my initial posting about looking for a roommate, and I still don't officially have a new roommate- however, I did meet with someone today who liked the apartment and will take it if I offer it... to him. I've never had a male roommate before, and while I would prefer a female roommate, all the girls that I've shown the apartment to have decided on something else. I think overall, girls are just super picky. And Chris (my potential new roommate) is not. He seems super chill and very nice , clean, respectful, and low key. The best part is, he's a Christian. That's why he answered my ad (I mentioned I was a Christian in the ad I posted). And we seem to have a lot in common- we are both dorky sci-fi lovers, and we both love to read. Overall, I think once I get over my initial weirdness factor, I could get along with him really well.

But I posted this only because I'd like feedback from my friends who read my blog: do you think I should go ahead and have a male roommate, or keep looking for a female roommate? As my friends I truly value your opinion and would love to hear your advice. Thanks!

Stepping back

This past week, I felt like I was going crazy. Trying to give things over to God can be so hard for me. Even though I know it's for the best, I still cling to things and want to try to do things for myself as long as I can. Finally on Tuesday I just gave up. Work was sucking bad, everything that could go wrong was, and I felt depressed and miserable. So I did what was really hard for me- I stepped back and let go. I took the craigslist ad for a roommate off the web for the rest of the week so I could just let go and breathe. Stop worrying about it and let it in God's hands. And I did feel better after that, and work started to go a little better too (it was still a really rough week though, whew! I'm glad it's over). It was nice to let it go.

I felt a lot better about it, so I placed the ad on craigslist again last night. And by this morning I received a couple of really positive responses. I also met two different people this morning, both of whom were really nice, and I think would be good roommates. I'm also showing the apartment to another girl tomorrow who sounds really nice. So God had everything in control right from the start. He was just waiting for me to let go and step back and let him work. I thank God that he puts up with me, cause I don't make it easy!

Sigh

So, my roommate search is proving to be harder than I orgininally thought, which has me in a myriad of emotions including but not limited to frustration, worry, fear, depression, and hopelessness. Ironically, sitting here on my parents computer desk are notes from an old sermon given a couple weeks ago, which I do remember. It was titled "Waiting Well" and is about the importance of waiting on God, how it refines us and is a huge learning experience for us. Waiting is the classroom of the Christian life, according to the sermon. I know this in my head, I do.

But knowing something and doing something, or not doing something, as the case may be, are two different things. I know I'm supposed to be patient and wait on God and give all my worries to him, and I know I've stated this before, but it's SO hard for me. I am not patient, and beyond that, I am not good at being very dependent on anyone other than myself or a few select others. So of course God would want to refine those characteristics in me, and of course, though I know this, I try to do things my own way, at my own timing, all the time. This goes nowhere and only leads to the aforementioned emotions listed above.

Sigh. All I can ask is PLEASE pray for me during this time. I desperately need it!

I need a new roommate

So my roommate of almost two years has bought a house, and is moving out the end of February. Though she kindly offered to rent me a room in her new house, I decided to stay in the apartment that I love so much! Plus, I hate moving. Though almost as much as moving, I hate looking for roommates. First, I'm nervous that I'll even be able to find someone, and then, I'm nervous about living with that person. What if we don't get along? What if they drive me crazy? What if THEY'RE crazy? (My sister Britt can speak for THAT one... she sure had a crazy roommate already. Literally crazy. Those stories she can tell you.....)

Anyway, I'm currently stressing about a roommate. :P I know I should just pray about it and put it in God's hands, but darn it, it's HARD! I'm not the most patient or trusting person in the world. I've heard that God does things to help you grow in things you lack, so situations that involve both trust and patience arise for me alot. You'd think I'd have learned by now to be trusting and patient, hmm? Yes well I'm definitely still a work in progress. :P

Still, it makes me feel better to know that I have people praying over the situation with me. It helps me to trust better. I think Romans 8:28 is a good verse for this week: "All things work together for good, for them that love the Lord." And, no amount of worrying can add a single moment to my life. So I guess I just have to give it over to God. I'll keep you all posted on what happens!