Counting my blessings

Man, was I really miserable a week ago.

I hate when I get miserable like that and want to fall into the old "woe is me" routine. Last Saturday I was just plain angry miserable, but Sunday I was depressed miserable because the tax problem I thought had been fixed arose again. I was frustrated and upset and scared, too. Would it ever be fixed? By Tuesday night I was really moping around my apartment feeling sorry for myself, when I finally snapped out of it. Why was I sitting around feeling sorry for myself over such a small thing? Why was I so angry over the weekend about such stupid, insignificant problems? Sure, it's understandable to get upset over things, but to dwell on them the way I did certaintly wasn't healthy for me. Or pleasant for anyone in the near vicinity of me. And was worrying about my tax situation really helping? There are so many verses in the Bible saying to lay down your worries on God, he'll take care of it. Can worrying add a single moment to your life? I know from experience that the answer is NO.

So I took a good look at my blessings Tuesday night, and could finally fall asleep in peace. So was it a surprise that I finally had email contact with a real person on Wednesday morning, who can help me with my tax problem? :) When I finally stopped worrying about the situation and handed it completely over God, things started happening. And even though I know that in my head, when situations like this arise, it's still so hard for me to not want to do it all myself. Sometimes in my faith, I'm still so like a little child.

Anyway, since I started thinking of all my blessings, such as my health, my family, my salvation, my apartment, my job, my car, my friends, my Church, my able working body, ect. I had a great Thanksgiving. This whole weekend was just wonderful, I was so looking forward to a 4 day weekend. Thursday, my parents and my sister and I headed up to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. It was a huge get together... the meal was for 23 adults and 3 young children! But everything went really well. Normally, we do holidays with my Dad's side of the family, but this Thanksgiving was with my mom's side, and it was really nice. When we got home from that, Britt and I headed up to our other Aunt and Uncle's house (Dad's side) to play games with his side of the family. We watched the Andromeda Strain, as well as playing the Match Game. It was a great time.

Friday, my family hides away for black friday craziness. My mom had to work, but my Dad and Britt and I went to lunch, and then came back and decorated the house for Christmas. We did it in record time this year! It went so smoothly. Which was nice, because my mom came home from work sick, so it was good we got everything done so fast so she could rest in bed. Later that evening, my Dad and I watched the Santa Claus. It ended a great day.

Saturday, my mom was still sick, but my Dad and I headed out to pick out our Christmas tree. We love concolor firs for Christmas trees. The needles are soft, not prickly, the trees have a citrusy scent (kind of like tangerines or oranges... smells so good!) and the way the trees grow, the ornaments just hang really nice on the tree, as opposed to Douglas firs. So we picked out the perfect tree and came home and set it up. Later, my Dad and Britt and I made Christmas cookies and caramel corn popcorn. Sooo delicious! And to end the evening, Britt, myself, our Aunt Dani, and our cousins Dee, AJ, and Joey went to the movies to see Madagascar 2. It was ok, but definitely not as funny as the first one. This second one was kind of weird, actually.

Anyway, it was a great weekend, and I really don't want it to end! But in three weeks, I'll be looking at a week long break for Christmas already! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and enjoy a wonderful Christmas season!

EXTRA miserable!!!!

So I leave the gym this morning to discover my tire is quite low, almost bordering on flat. So I go to the Sunoco by my house to fill the tire with more air. I couldn't find the air hose, so I parked and went inside to ask if they even had an air hose. They said they did, and then asked "Do you need any help?"

Shoot me now. Please. Because like an IDIOT, I said yes.


BIG MISTAKE. I KNOW this, I've been burned before. Single young girl+ old car+ city mechanics = rape. They take you for all they can get. And, they did.

Instead of leaving with my tire filled with air, ($.50) or leaving with the hole in my tire patched and filled with air ($22.00) I left with a new tire I DIDN'T NEED OR WANT, which means I also paid the exhorbitant B.S. "labor fees" plus being told I need an oil change and I have a small oil leak ($137.00). And that $137.00 was just for the tire and labor fees, I didn't do anything about the SUPPOSED oil leak or oil change. What the?????? Just LAST weekend, I took my car to a mechanic at home and spent $131.00 on a new muffler, the labor of getting it put on, plus a general checkup of the car PLUS removal of a broken joint and welding of the exhaust pipe. God only knows how much I'd have been charged for that at this Sunoco. Probably over $1,000 plus the promise of my first born child. I was so livid when I left there, and I've been really mad about it since.

Grrr. I suppose I'd better try and calm down, because bursting my blood vessels and having to go to the hospital would make me even MORE miserable. If that were possible. Which at this point, I'm not sure of.

Miserable.

Ugh. I spent most of this week sick with a miserable cold, yet still trudged off to work to bust my butt to get tons of stuff done before the holidays roll around. Being sick I didn't make it to the gym at all, so I feel like a lazy cow. On top of that, my mom calls me today to tell me that she heard that this kid I used to have a crush on in 8th grade (who I really have no idea why I liked. He had the personality of a wet mop. In fact, he reminds me very much of Lurch from the Adams Family.) has a girlfriend he's been dating for 2 years. And then I realized that my truly horrible ex-boyfriend (not just man bashing here, yes, he is a horrible person. Not just saying that cause he's my ex. Almost everyone who knows him agrees with me. I'm pretty sure Heather thinks he's the worst person in the world) also has a girlfriend who he's been seeing for at least 2 years (right after he "cut me off" by leaving for med school and never speaking to me again, not even to officially break up with me), which forces me to think upon my singleness, at state in which I've lived in for almost exactly 24 years of my life, and wonder what in the world is wrong with me??

If I didn't feel like enough of a fat lazy cow already, I'd be falling off the wagon and stuffing my face with cake and ice cream to try to drown out my sorrows. In fact, even though I feel like a fat lazy cow, I'd still be stuffing my face with cake and ice cream, if I had any in my apartment. But I don't, and I'm too lazy/miserable to go out and get some.

And please, no comments trying to make me feel better. I really don't want to hear it, and it never makes me feel any better.

God works in mysterious ways

I have an old car, a 93 Dodge Shadow, that I love. It's a great car that runs well, has good gas mileage, it still looks really nice, and best of all, it's cheap. I have no car payments, as well as ridiculously cheap insurance. It's awesome!

However, older cars do need tune ups and replacements and general maintenance, and I have become quite skilled at being in tune with my car's needs. And about 3 weeks ago, I noticed that my car sound a lot harsher when it was running than normal. I assumed it was that it needed a new muffler, as it still had the original one. So this weekend I took it into a shop near my parents, and within a day, it was done, yay!

However, upon picking it up, I discovered that God was looking out for me. My car did need a new muffler, yes, but the noise I was hearing wasn't from the muffler. It was from a broken joint on my exhaust pipe, which happened to be running right next to my gas tank. Had the joint completely broken off, or even partially fallen off, it could have been hitting the gas tank, and the metal joint against the metal gas tank could have caused sparks, so I could have possibly been looking at a potential car fire, or worse, an explosion. Yikes! Now that was the worst that could happen, and might not have ever occurred. But still, I was really glad that I didn't ignore the seemingly harmless albeit annoying loud noise my car was making. So I'm really thankful that God was looking out for me in this! :)

Amendment

As I was reading my devotional book last night, I realized I need to amend a few statements I said in my previous blog (Jekyll and Hyde, horses, and silversmiths).

I kept saying that being horrible and sinful was my true nature, when in fact, it's not. It's my old, familiar nature. It's the nature I was born into, but was never meant to have. I was never meant to be a sinner. The fall in Eden did that. But because now that I'm a Christian, the fight in me is God ripping away that old familiar nature to reveal the true me- a child of the King. :)

Jekyll and Hyde, horses, and silversmiths

A few days ago, when I got home from a miserably long day at work, I realized something. I am truly a horrible person. Truly. And since as Christians we're supposed to strive to be good, and be like Jesus, realizing how deep down I'm truly horrible threw me into a moment of dispair. My thoughts were running rampant and I struggled as always with myself. And then I came upon ANOTHER realization, one that made me feel a lot better, and was God-breathed into my subconcious, I'm certain, because the way I was feeling that day, I wouldn't have thought it on my own.

Let me explain. When I realized I was horrible, it's not that I'm horrible all the time. I struggle to do good, kind things, and behave in a manner similar to that of Jesus. And when I say I struggle, I do mean it. I practically have to bite off my tounge to not scream at people and tell them how I really feel sometimes, I have to practically sit on my hands to not slap someone or throttle them when they're being rude or nasty or obnoxious. And honestly, truly honestly? Often times, I want to be horrible. I want to be nasty sometimes. Sometimes, when I'm in a truly awful mood, it actually gives me pleasure to make everyone around me miserable too. (They do say misery loves company). When I realized I was horrible, it was a realization that deep down in my core, left to my own devices, and certainly if I was not a Christian, I would be the horrible witch that is residing in my soul. I wouldn't censor my thoughts and feelings and actions the way I do now and so I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would have little if any friends and more enemies than I could count. If you think I'm exaggerating, I can assure you I'm not. One day inside my head would convince you of that. Actually I guess you can just read the examples above to get a little glimpse of that.

So now it would make you wonder why I'm trying to convince you all how horrible I am. Why am I so horrible? Well, it's like Paul said. It's easier, certainly. I suppose because I was born a sinner, I have more of a tendency to want to be bad than good. But because of Jesus, although I want to be bad, I know it's wrong. So I struggle with myself, against myself, to rise above the sin that's in me so that Jesus and his goodness can fill me and shine through me. It's a daily battle that leaves me exhausted by the end of the day. Deep down inside of me, inside my heart and soul that no human can see but God can, I'm horrible. But because of God's grace and constant work in me, you don't see that. Sure, like everyone, I let my anger and temper and stubborness get the best of me sometimes, and people get a glimpse of the horrible nature I'm hiding. Well, not hiding exactly, subduing may be a better word. The thought that crossed my mind that made me feel better was God telling me that while I hate this constant struggle in me, while I hate to look inside myself and see how horrible I want to be and actually am sometimes, the fact that I'm struggling is awesome! Because my struggle means that Jesus is residing in me and working in me. That's the key! It's the reason why I hate when I'm being horrible, even when I want to be horrible. It's God working in me, influencing my life, making me better. He's scraping away all the rough edges, polishing me up, molding me into his image. I'm certainly not the finished workmanship God is desiring for me, no, I still struggle mightly with anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, grudges.... the list goes on. I'm exactly like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Except I was born Mr. Hyde- nasty and cruel and horrible- and through Jesus's influence, am becoming more like Dr. Jekyll-kind and gentle and good.

While I'm using metaphors to give you a description of my true nature, another great one is that I'm completely like a wild mare. Wild, independent, and untamed. And if anyone has seen wild horses, or horses that have been mistreated, you can see the great power they have. They can easily kill people or other horses in their fear and rage. In my true nature, I'm like that. Jesus is like the bit in my mouth, God is the master who tames me. Taming an unbroken horse requires great skill, patience, and love on the part of the trainer. It requires constant effort and usually needs to be repeated quite a bit. God has been taming me, Jesus is the bit that directs me where to go. And sure, like any horse, there are days when I want to act on my independent nature and go where I want to go. But that bit in my mouth is always there, and in the end, like the horse, I subdue to it. Although I'll admit quite often, I subdue to it only because every other option I've tried hasn't worked. :P And sometimes I subdue to God, albeit sulkily and miserable because of the circumstances surrounding me. What gives me great hope is that I know that I am made uniquely me. On better days, when I want to dispair at my horrible nature I keep fighting with, I am reminded that God made me this way. He made me to be very independent, so he knows I struggle with humbling myself. He made my fiery spirit, so he knows I struggle with my anger and temper. He made me capable of deep, loyal love, so he knows I struggle with bitterness when I'm betrayed. And yes, there are plenty of times when I struggle and my bad nature wins. But there are more times when I struggle and my good nature wins. And each time that happens, I look a little more like Jesus.

To end this blog, there are verses in the Bible that say that we as Christians are being refined, like silver. Honestly I can't quite remember where they are in the Bible, but they're there. In one of my online devotionals a while back, I read this story about a group of women in a Bible study who were discussing these verses. They wondered how silver was refined. What exactly is the process? So one woman set to find out. The next week, she came to the group in awe. Turns out that refining silver is hard work. In order for the silver to be refined and pure, to have all the impurities removed, the silversmith has to put the silver in an extremely hot fire. This helps melt all the impurities away. He can beat the silver on an anvil to shape it in the shape he wants. Painful! And during this entire process, the silversmith can't take his eyes off the silver, or else it could ruin. And most importantly... the woman asked the silversmith how he knew when the silver was done, and fully refined. He replied, "When I can see my reflection in it."

Amen. God shapes us and molds us in sometimes the most painful processes ever, but we can be assured and fearless because we know that he never takes his eyes off of us the entire time. And at the end, he sees himself in us. If that's not a beautiful hope, I don't know what is. :)

What do you say in a moment like this?

I remember a country song sung by Reba a few years back titled "What do you say." It was a sad song, and it's so true. I didn't realize how much till today.

I spoke to my dear friend and former college roommate Jess on the phone today. The poor thing is dealing with so much right now, more than anyone should have to handle. Her mother (whom she is really close to) has been struggling with ovarian cancer for years. However, the struggle has been much worse lately. Jess was speaking to me while at the hospital, at her mother's side. The doctors give her about 6 months now, if that.

On top of this, Jess has been going through a divorce that her husband has been making incredibly difficult. He seems to be getting some perverse pleasure in dragging it out and making her miserable, probably to punish her for divorcing him (although she had good reason to.... I won't air her private affairs on here, just trust me on this one). Some other things besides the divorce have had Jess struggling mightly with financial issues, as well.

My heart was (and still is) breaking for her. She is under so much stress and worry and anguish. I don't know how she feels, and don't know what to say or do to help her. "I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you" just doesn't seem sufficient. And it really sucked being on the phone, because I couldn't even give her a hug.

I'm so sad for her, hurting for her. I feel so helpless to do or say anything that could possibly help her or make her feel better. I will be praying, and will try to make myself available to her whenever she needs anything, but that may be a little difficult during the week as I'm in Ardmore and she's in Lancaster. Still, I'll do what I can. I just wish there was more I could do.

For any believers out there, please keep my friend Jess and her family in your thoughts and prayers. I know they could really use them.