I want to be a kite

Today I met with a couple from my Church who specializes in counseling and mentoring couples. As most of you know, I'm not part of a couple, so why whould I meet with them? Well, lately I've been thinking that I don't know much about marriage, I think I'd be very unprepared for it, not to mention just trying to handle a dating relationship. So, I asked a few couples who I believe have strong, solid relationships that I would like to have eventually if they would help talk me through some things.

My first meeting was with Pam and Steve Smith, who are the leaders of my College and Career Class at Church. I think they have a really great relationship, and like I said, they are really great with mentoring and counseling. I'll admit, at first I was a little nervous. I'm not sure why exactly. But I am so glad I did this!

Pam and Steve went over common problems people have with marriage and how to avoid them. These included physical, emotional, and mental obstacles people face. Pam also talked about things women often do to sabatoge relationships. Thankfully, I was already aware of the three things she mentioned, so that was a good step for me. However, Pam and Steve also mentioned that one of the hardest problems single people have in going into relationships is that they've built themselves up to be this single entity. They're independent, well established, and find it difficult to all of the sudden have to compromise and be part of a team. Uh, oh. This is something I've recognized in myself, I'm very independent. Now I know it's definitely something I have to work on. Four of the couples I admire the most (whom I will give a shout out to, they are my parents, Pam and Steve Smith, Brian and Mary Hand, and Jon and Terri Yeakel) are absolutely great examples of teamwork. They work together in unison, each one complimenting the other perfectly. I know from experience how much this is true of my parents, I've seen it every day growing up. Pam worded it great tonight- in relationships, a good couple is like a kite. One person is the kite, the other is the string. The kite would dive bomb and crash without the string, and the string without the kite is boring and not very useful. And while the string is holding onto the kite, it's not tying it down, the kite is still flying free. I really liked that analogy.

Another point that was made for me is that I have a very negative view of things. I did already know that, but never thought much about how it's affecting me and my relationships (or lack thereof). For people who think I'm a very positive person, well, you either really don't know me, or I hide it very well. I'm definitely not an optimist, at best, I'd consider myself a realist. Negativity is something I do struggle with often. My mindset is, "Think the worst, because then you'll either be proven right, or be pleasantly surprised." Not a good mindset I know, but it's unfortunately how I think. Although one of the reasons I do think the worst is not to be negative, but to be prepared in case something does go wrong. But to get back to the point, I'm sabotaging myself because I immediately think of all the things that could go wrong with the relationship, so I'm basically dooming it to fail. It's not because I want to be pessimistic, it's just that I'm trying to avoid hurt on the other person's part. But in doing this, I'm not really being myself and letting them see me, and I'm not really letting myself into the relationship. So this is something I definitely have to work on.

Overall, I had a really enjoyable time with Pam and Steve, and I really look forward to hearing from other couples I've requested to meet with. I learned alot about myself and things I need to work on, as well as what to expect when going into a relationship. I think anyone who's considering taking that step of entering into a relationship should really try this, so far it's been a really eye opening experience for me. I'll keep posting on how my changes are going! :)

Inhale, Exhale

Tonight, I attended the Saturday night light service at what used to be my old home Church. It was very intimate, only ten of us there including the Pastor. But the sermon spoke right to my heart, it was something I really needed to hear.

Pastor John was talking about the Church, and how every Christian makes up the body of Christ, and each part works together with all the other parts to make it whole and good. A standard concept that Christians frequently hear about. And it's something I've always felt bitter about. For those of you don't know me that well, I grew up in this Church and was brutally hurt and wounded by so many people in the Church, during a vital period in my life where I really needed the support of the Church. I, and my whole family, were hurt and betrayed over and over and over. And since then, I'll admit, I've been fiercely struggling with the anger, bitterness, hurt, and betrayal their actions left in me. Those feelings have been making it incredibly hard for me to forgive them. People always say, "forgive and forget" but I think it should be "forget and forgive," because that would be much much easier to do. I WISH I could forget. I wish I could forget all the happened, forget all the hurt, the anger, the bitterness. It would make forgiveness so much easier. I can't walk in that Church anymore, can't see the people who hurt me, I can't even hear about them from others, without those old familiar feelings sweeping over me and just consuming my heart. Forgiveness seems so far away during those times.

And I hate that. As a Christian, especially the very imperfect one that I am, I have been forgiven for so much, that I could never DREAM of paying back. There's no way. And beyond that, I've been richly blessed in other ways as well. I don't want to be like the parable of the unforgiving servant. Compared to what I've done to God, and the forgiveness he's given me, how could I possibly not forgive these people who hurt me? I know this in my head and yet struggle with it in my heart. I want to forgive them. Yet it seems so hard. And admist all these feelings, the bitterness about how these Christians treated me, how the Church with it's many parts turned against me and my family, that hurts the most. So when I hear sermons about how the body of Christ and the Church is supposed to act, I've been filled with self-righteous indignant anger and bitterness. I think, "Yeah, that's how it's supposed to be. But when I was growing up, my Church was like someone trying to commit suicide by cutting off parts of their body so they could bleed to death- me and my family were chopped off and left to die." That's what I've been thinking. And while it may have been the truth, there's another truth I've been missing which I heard tonight.

Pastor John didn't say how the Church and the body of Christ is supposed to treat you, he spoke of how we should treat the body of Christ. Start focusing on what you can do for others, not what they can do for you. I forget how he worded it exactly, but it was like an arrow into my soul. I've been laying the blame for my feelings at everyone else's feet. I've been thinking about how I'VE been hurt, what they did to ME. He mentioned that we as Christians should live not by looking in a mirror, where we see just our reflection, we should live by looking through windows. You can still see your reflection in a window, though not as clearly, but you can also clearly see the world outside. You take the focus off yourself and start focusing on others. He said that so many times, people sit in Church just wanting to inhale, meaning they only want what others can give them. But we need to exhale too. We need to help others, bless others, in any way we can. A healthy body needs to inhale and exhale in order to survive, and that goes for the Church as well. It's not about what others can do for you or give you, it's what you can do for them. And in exhaling, you naturally inhale as well.

It really hit me. I've been focusing on myself and my pain for so long. No wonder I can't forgive. And yes, I was hurt, but thing about Christians is that while we're on earth, we're still imperfect humans. We make mistakes, and a LOT of them. God knows, and I'll write it over and over, I am so far from perfect. I don't ever want to put on the mask of being a perfect Christian, because it would be a total lie. I realized as I sat there tonight, that I've been inhaling and holding my breath for a long, long time. As I took communion tonight, my heart was closer to God than it's been in a long time. I've been praying for healing, for forgiveness for those I need to forgive, and tonight, God really got through to me. It's time to start breathing deep again.

Family

So, this afternoon I took my parents to the Philly airport and said goodbye as they gathered their things to go visit my sister Becky overseas. And as I drove away I realized that this is the first real vacation they've had together in a long time, and it's the first big vacation they've had together ever. Even their honeymoon wasn't a big affair, they just drove down to Florida and went to Disneyworld. It's really because we don't have that much money, we never did. No, we're not rich in monetary wealth, but in our love and family and health, we've riches in abundance. And that's what I would choose any day. I wouldn't give up my family for anything. Sometimes, I even struggle with my love for my family and my love for God. I worry that I'll put them first, and my love for God is the only area where I won't put my family first..... though it's very hard, and I'm not perfect. Really though, I view my family as an extension of God's love. When I'm with my family, it's like he's really there with me. God with skin on, as some have said. It's an odd term, but it's true.

Thinking of my family, and how sad I am that my parents are completely out of the country, (even if it is only for 10 days!) it makes me even more upset to think of how many others don't have loving families, or take their families for granted. My heart breaks for those people. Especially for the ones who don't have loving families. One of my favorite country artists, Jimmy Wayne, had a really hard life growing up. It really shaped him into the person he is today, and his music completely reflects that. Still, reading his personal story always makes me sad, almost to the point of crying. And the same happens when I read about others in the same situation, or when I hear of families being broken apart due to tragedies and accidents. My family lives right next to highway 78, and the stretch by our house is particularly dangerous, so we've seen many accidents throughout the years. I'll never, ever forget one black morning around 6 am when I was in high school, there was a huge crash outside and we all knew it would be a bad accident. I remember praying, "Oh God, I hope no one was killed." But unfortunately, people were killed; almost an entire family wiped out due to a negligent trucker with previous marks on his record. The van he ran over held a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, and three young boys, ages 12, 8, and 6. All but the eight year old and the grandmother were killed in the accident. I'll never forget how horrible I felt when I heard that. One second you're happily driving along with your loving family, and in another split second, it's all gone. Your entire immediate family is gone but you, as well as your grandfather. And at such a young age. How do you cope? I would fall to pieces and I'm 24, almost 25 years old. I never want to take my family for granted, in fact, I thank God for them almost every day. With every prayer I lift up to Heaven, whether spoken or not, I thank God for the blessing that is my family.


Just as a quick side note and some food for thought, my love for my family is why I HATE the story of Job in that Bible. Hate it, can't stand it. God took everything from Job, but in the end blessed him ten-fold. Yeah, except that he didn't bring his sons and daughters back. Every time I read that story, I just have such a hard time with that. This is probably why God tested Job and not me, I'd completely have failed. Folded like a napkin, as my sister would say. :) I just have such a hard time comprehending that. What does everyone else think of that, I wonder? Drop some comments if you'd like!

P.S. For anyone who would like to, please lift up my parents in prayer, that they have a safe and happy trip! Thanks! :)

P.P.S. Sprinkled through this blog are pictures of my immediate family, as well as the extended family on my mom and dad's side. We can be crazy and wacky, but I thank God for everyone.

My lonely tomb

What is it with matters of the heart? Things don't make sense and nothing is clear to me. I have no idea what to expect and it makes me afraid. Sometimes I long for something, then in the next moment, I fear it and stay where I am. I want to be prepared and certain and instead I feel like I'm in quickstand in the middle of the desert with no one to help pull me out- certain death is imminent. I know it sounds stupid and tragic and melodramatic, but that's how I feel right now. How many metaphors can I write to make it clear how I've been feeling?

I struggle with not really knowing what I want, and my true reasons for wanting/not wanting something. Cryptic, I know. But for instance, I've really been struggling with relationships right now. I know I want to be married and have a family someday, but do I want it now? Or am I just afraid that if I don't reach for it now, the opportunity will pass me by and never come again? Am I just feeling the pressure placed upon me by others? And really, how do you KNOW who is the right one for you? Is there some kind of sign from God? Does he speak to you in a dream? Or is it just another matter of faith, which I'm sure to screw up as I have most other matters of faith in my life because I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing. I don't want to settle for good or ok because I was afraid there was no great, and then find out that there really was a great and I missed it because I just settled for good or ok. But what happens if I skip over good or ok and there never is a great, and then I'm just left with nothing? What's out there besides countless questions and uncertainties? Why am I so paralyzed with fear?

I'm afraid because I fell in love when I was eight years old. I never forgot him, even when he moved states away. I could close my eyes and see him like he was right in front of me. I wandered through jr. high and high school not the least bit interested in dating because I knew he was the one for me and God would bring us together someday so I shouldn't worry. And I didn't. Until God brought us together for two weeks for me to meet his girlfriend. My heart broke as I listened to him confide in me on the front stoop of that humid June night about his insecurities with himself and her and their relationship, but as his friend and because I loved him I choked back my own feelings and encouraged him and helped him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't know what was worse, that night, or that warm October day when he got married to that girl. I didn't attend their wedding, but had another wedding to go to for a friend from school. I only made that wedding because I knew I wouldn't last at the reception, even if it wasn't his. I could picture his wedding and that was enough. I ran home and spent the rest of the day crying in my mothers arms. I felt so broken and ripped open and rejected and the pain seemed unending. And the worst part is I've tried so so hard to forget him, and I can't, even though I know it's a sin because I'm coveting someone else's husband. And now I'm terrified that this is it for me. That there really is no one else, that I'll be left only with bitter haunting memories that taunt me in my lonliness. I'm afraid because I realize that I could have been completely deluding myself all these years and chased after ridiculous empty dreams and now I have nothing to show except pain and brokenness. I'm afraid because I was probably living in a fantasy land, and real life is laughing right in my naive, foolish face.

God, my heart feels so ripped open and raw. It's been bleeding for years. I want so badly to let go, to believe that there is something more out there, that there are good things in store for me yet, but every time I try, it seems like I hit a dead end. And it's just me again. It's always just me, why is it just me? I used to think I was independent and strong and brave, but I was such an idiot, how did I fool myself for so long? I'm NOT strong or brave, now, I'm afraid to look in the mirror because it's all I ever see. Just me. And it seems as if I've come to live the words of this poem, and I don't know what to do to change it.

"Inside my heart there is a room, a room I keep all to myself. It is as empty as a tomb, with only dust upon the shelves. I keep it locked and guard it well- the still within becomes a shrine. And while it's but a hollow shell, I fiercely guard this room of mine. For every time I try to trust, and open wide this secret room, it seems my dreams are turned to dust- so ashes fill my lonely tomb." (author unknown).

Sigh

Sometimes I think I'm the hardest person in the world to love. It seems that it's hard for people to like me, very few people truly love me, and even less understand me.

The de-masculization of men

Has anyone else noticed how our society portrays men as stupid and worthless? Anywhere you look on TV, especially sitcoms and commercials, men are portrayed that way. It drives me crazy. On sitcoms especially, the woman is always in charge and the "smart one" and the man is just the dumb idiot who spits out one liners while his masculinity is ripped away by his domineering, independent, do it all wife, and his sneaky, lazy, spoiled rotten children. The men always mess something up which the woman always fixes, they always just want to eat or drink beer or watch TV, ect. Don't believe me? Watch one episode of the Bill Engevall show. Bill as a comedian is really funny, but the show itself makes me physically sick.

Commercials can be even worse! Never would a woman be portrayed in this light, oh no. And if it ever would occur, you can bet there'd be lawsuits and equality speeches left and right. Men are portrayed either as complete idiots or lazy worthless losers while the women are intelligent, in control, and just wonderful in every way. A perfect demonstration of this is the Whole Grain Cheerios commercial. I have to turn the TV off or switch the channel when it comes on because I cannot STAND it.

It's not that I think women are not intelligent or responsible or independent. Women are great. But men are great, too! They can do more than just open jars and squish bugs, and they do more than just sit around watching TV and drink beer. I believe that as human beings, in God's eyes, both men and women are equal. However, I also believe that men and women have special God-given talents unique to each gender. Women are naturally more gentle and nuturing, men are naturally more protective and are fighters. But we compliment each other and things work well. Why is that never portrayed? It's fine to me that women are portrayed in a good light, I just wish MEN were portrayed in a good light, in a way they deserve. It's not right or fair. How did we as a society get to this point? And what can we do to change it? :(

Father's Day Weekend

Father's Day Weekend.

Such fun! I had another great weekend, it was a blast! I got home on Friday night and hung around with my mom and dad for a while. Saturday my mom and my sister Britt and I all went out and went shopping for Father's Day. We picked up King Crab legs and an ice cream cake for my Dad, plus we bought him a new griddle for cooking breakfast stuff, since our old one is really used up. Then Britty and I went shopping that evening for new swimsuits, sundresses, and tops, and we found such cute stuff! I bought a new bikini, my first ever! I finally lost enough weight to wear one.

Later that night, Britt and I met up with our loveable cousin AJ and went to the APD (Airport Diner, for those who aren't from Kutztown) for some hot chocolate and a snack. For a Saturday night it was actually kind of dead, which was probably a good thing, since the three of us happened upon conversation that left us rolling in laughter with tears streaming down our faces.... it's probably better that there weren't too many people there to witness that, they probably would have thought we were crazy! :)

For most of Sunday Britt and I were sunbathing and swimming, and then we made up the crab leg dinner for my Dad. He really enjoyed it and we all had a great time. I love my Dad! And my whole family. Going home is such a great time for me!

I hate the piano... and all related instruments

I've always liked the piano as an instrument. I usually find the music soft and soothing.


NOT ANYMORE.

No, now that I've had new people move into the second floor below me, and play their keyboard at an alarming loud decible, I hate the piano.

In case people think I just like to complain about things, my roommate commented how loud it was as well, so it's not just me. And the room the keyboard is in is right below my bedroom, AND we do have an old Victorian house, who's floors are split into apartments. This is really a house, not an apartment complex. It doesn't have any extra insulation to help keep out noise from annoying neighbors. I can hear every single note, clear as day, even when I'm in my LIVING ROOM. When I'm in my bedroom, ha! I may as well have a private concert (that I DON'T want).

What really bothers me is that it's a keyboard, not a real piano- so you can control the volume. And you can buy headphones to plug in so only you hear the music. There are many ways that you can still enjoy your own music and play to your heart's content without being inconsiderate and annoying to your neighbors.

Maybe it's just me, but I was brought up with manners and taught to be considerate and thoughtful of others. It seems practically no one else in the world has been taught that, and in fact, they seem to take advantage of the good manners of those people who do have them. Sigh. It's frustrating and I'm really tired of it. :(

6.23.08 Note: After coming home last Sunday night to the piano music being played so loudly I could hear it before I even opened the front door of the house, I knocked on the neighbors door 3 different times to ask them to be a little quieter. They were so loud, they never heard me! So I ended up calling my landlady and she called them and now all has been well. Yay! :)

Life is pain

"Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~Wesley from The Princess Bride (best movie ever by the way, see it now if you haven't already)

He's right, life is pain. Yet for some reason, there are some Christians who try to ignore that reality. They think that God is some magic wizard in the sky, who will grant them their every wish and desire and that if he doesn't, he either hates them or is punishing them because they did something horribly wrong.

Where did that kind of thinking come from?

Everyone in the world faces unspeakable pain. The rain falls on the good and the bad. Yes, some people face more pain than others in their lifetime, that's true. Why it is, I don't know. I'm not God, his ways are higher than mine, his thoughts higher than my thoughts. Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it fair? No. Do I understand it? No. But is it still true? Yes. And we need to realize this if we don't want to go crazy living in some kind of la-la land. I don't like when Christians try to sway non-Christians to believe in Jesus by making them believe that if they do believe, all of the sudden, their life will become so much better. That all their pain and misery will go away. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. I wish it did, that'd be awesome. But no, everyone still faces pain, no matter what. Sometimes, it helps us grow. Sometimes it teaches us lessons. And sometimes, it is cruel and unfair and there is no answer in this world for why it had to happen. God always answers prayer, that's a certainty. However, he doesn't always answer the way we want. That's the problem. And yes, it is hard (and of course painful) when our prayers aren't answered the way we want. I've barely felt the pain of disappointment and lonliness and fear the way many people have, and I remember how much I've hurt in those few times I've had, so I can honestly say that I don't even want to imagine the depths of their pain and hurting.

The fact is, there is and always will be pain and suffering and horror in this world as it is now. Accepting Jesus as your savior won't change that, it only gives you hope. Hope that someday, you will finally be away from this world and the pain and suffering it brings and in someplace far, far better. To finish with the Princess Bride theme, Wesley (Jesus) will come and whisk Buttercup (us) away from the awful prince Humperdink (Satan and his suffering) and we actually will live happily ever after (in Heaven).

And that analogy is just one more reason why the Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever! :)

It should be time to say hello

In regards to my earlier post, "Time to say goodbye," I just want to say that I've loved that song but never knew really what they were saying, other than "time to say goodbye." That's because the song is sung in Italian. Anyway, it's such a haunting song, I always thought they were saying it was time to say goodbye because they were leaving each other- due to a war, or death, or some other tragic separation. When in reality, it's so much better! After reading the translated lyrics, they are saying it's time to say goodbye to everything they've ever known, because they're going to start new adventures together. Though you'd never know it by the title, this is actually a perfect wedding song. It's so fitting, because at a wedding, you're leaving your family and starting a new one. You have an entirely new adventure awaiting you, and while it is scary and bittersweet, it is time to say goodbye to what you used to know. But the best part is, in saying goodbye to someone or something, you'll always be saying hello to someone or something else. :)

Freedom

So, I finished the book "A Scandalous Freedom" by Steve Brown. It had a lot of good points and gave me a lot to think about. There's a lot that Christians do that binds us and inhibits our freedom. One thing that binds us is fear of how others view us- whether they are Christians or non-Christians. We pretend to be something we're not in order to please those around us. That definitely clicked with me, because I've done it enough.

Well, you know what? I've had it with pretending. On BOTH sides. I've pretended to be something I'm not to my Christian and non-Christian friends, and it's tiring and frustrating and sad, really. I'm tired of caring what they'll think. I'm tired of feeling like I'm "too good" for my non-Christian friends and not good or holy enough for my Christian friends. I'm just me, accept that and if you don't like it, fine. But then don't pretend to be my friend either. I really don't care who likes me or doesn't, but one thing I positively cannot stand is people who I KNOW don't like me yet pretend to like me because "it's the polite thing to do." For instance, I was at a bridal shower recently and I was basically surrounded by people I didn't know, or people I didn't like. And for the people I didn't like (who I know don't like me, either) I avoided, because I didn't want to face their fake niceness with their phony smiles plastered on their faces all the while knowing they'd rather be bitten by a rattlesnake than be in my presence. It physically makes me sick. Which is why I don't do that. I just ignore people I don't like.

I know there are people who will read this who will think to themselves, "well, that's not a very Christian attitude to have." But COME ON. Do YOU like everyone? Isn't it better to be honest and just leave that person alone, instead of pretending? (They know you're pretending, believe me.) No earthly person can love everyone, let alone LIKE everyone!

I have never said I am a great person. (And I'm not). I never said that I am an easy person to love. (And I'm DEFINITELY not). Nor have I said I'm the best Christian. (And again- I'm definitely not). But thankfully, the only one I have to answer to is God. He's the only one who has any right to judge me (being sinless himself) and the best part is, despite all my mistakes, and despite not being the greatest person, or the best Christian, or the easiest person to love, he loves me anyway. Don't worry about me and my faults, I'm sure you have enough of your own. But don't worry! The only one you have to answer to is God, who loves YOU anyway.
So don't worry what I think of you. Or anyone else, for that matter.


You know what? I feel more free already. And I'd apologize for offending people who may not like what I have to say, but... I'm not sorry. So if I've offended you, and you are my friend, I really hope we can still be friends despite our differences. And if I've offended you and you're not my friend, then I've nothing to lose.

Hot weekend

So this weekend, I went home to hang out with my little sister Britt and our mutual friend Paula. (This is a pic of Paula and I) We had a blast! Since it was so warm and sunny both Saturday and Sunday, we mostly spent both entire days out at the pool. I got to try out my brand new red bathing suit I bought at the mall Friday night (along with two pairs of sweet shorts that were on sale) and it looks good! Everyone said I looked like a lifeguard from Baywatch. We all got a lot of sun, which was nice :) I'm slightly red, but did pretty good as far as not getting too burned. (Gotta protect my DNA!) Poor Britt wasn't so lucky though. :P She looks like a lobster.

Saturday night we had a few problems, as Paula's car (jellybean) had a mishap in that the oil pan plug fell out, so we were leaking oil like crazy. We got to the Turkey Hill in Kutztown just in time. We had to get her car towed back to my parents house so my dad could figure out what type of bolt she needed, but thank God, the engine was ok, so Paula was good to go! While we waited for my Dad and the towtruck to come, we enjoyed some ice cream at Pop's Malt Shop. It's this cute, fifties-type soda/ice cream/candy shop right on Main Street in Kutztown. We love going there. :)

Sunday morning we awoke to my parents making cinnamon french toast and bacon, mmm-mmm! I hadn't had french toast in ages and it was so delicious. It felt like all I did Sunday was eat, as it was my Uncle's birthday, so we had a cookout for him, (delicious burgers!) and later in the day, Paula, Britt, my mom and I went to Cousin's Pub for drinks and wings (they have the best wings).

I got back to Ardmore late last night, but it was worth it, because I had a fabulous weekend! I can't wait till this Friday, when I can go home again for Father's Day!

(My sister Britt)

Valentine

So it hasn't even been two full months working at LIMR, and I've already managed to adopt a mouse as my personal pet. :)

We don't need his genotype anyway, and I isolated him from his cage mate about a week ago because his cage mate was beating up on him- there was a huge open sore on Valentine's back. Honestly, I wasn't sure if he would live, but I didn't have the heart to cull him either. So I isolated him in a cage by himself and decided to see how he fared; if it looked like he was really in pain, I would have put him down. For the first two days or so, he stayed in one corner of the cage and didn't move around much. But Val's a fighter, cause he lived and his wound is healing. I gave him the name Valentine because the wound is all pink, and it's in the shape of a heart. Seriously! I'm not the only one who noticed that. He's a black mouse too, so the pink skin showing really stands out. But he is adorable and so soft and sweet. He just curls up in my hand like he could stay there forever. I even brought him a treat today! I'm glad I kept him. :)

This is an out of focus picture of his wound, because I didn't want to gross anyone out too much. :) It looks less like a heart than it originally did, because it's healing, but even now you can kind of see it.

Time to say goodbye

When I'm alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
I'll go with you, I with you.

Haunting song. Listen to it here- www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp0ccQVy1og

Love it though. :)

What the?

I have many pet peeves. I do, I admit it. And somehow, it seems that many of them seem to be personified in my roommates. Particularly my former roommate Lauren, but my current roommate shares a common trait with her that drives me crazy. It's this: What they could possibly be doing in the shower (besides showering) I have no idea, but whenever I enter the bathroom after Rachel has taken a shower, there are puddles of water all over the floor. I'm not talking little droplets of water that would be common after people exit the shower, I'm talking puddles that take giant handfuls of paper towels for me to clean up. What do they do? Shower with the curtain open? Perform dance routines? Do they just dump water outside the tub while taking a shower? And don't they NOTICE the giant puddles when they're leaving the bathroom? Why wouldn't they clean it up? Geez, it's the easiest way to rot out floorboards, and in both my current living situation and my last one, these are old houses. I'm serious, I wouldn't doubt it if my neighbors below me would start complaining cause the ceiling is leaking. I can't count the number of times I've had to change socks because I've stepped into these puddles. I think it's actually the fact that they never cleaned up the water that really annoys me. I think it's very inconsiderate. There have been times when the shower curtain wasn't completely drawn and I've gotten water on the floor, but I saw it and cleaned it up right away. Why is this so hard for everyone else to do?

Rargh. In light of the most recent event that has caused me to post this blog, I'm going to go change my socks. :(

memories

Memory is a funny thing.



Sometimes, I can remember something bad that happened to me like it was yesterday. Every sense feels so fresh and raw. But thankfully, I have more good memories than bad, and I can remember good things that happened in the same way. Sometimes I can just close my eyes and I'm taken back to that very moment in time, when everything was right with the world.



Sometimes, it's funny what I remember. What I've cherished in my heart that some people would never believe. For instance, I've been single most of my entire life. Yet I can still remember everyone who liked me (that I knew of, if they didn't actually make it verbally known I can't say I remember). Although I rejected them for whatever reason (usually because I was too young to date... ironically I was asked out more in jr. high than I ever was in high school or college) I appreciated that they thought enough of me to want to date me, and even more, were brave enough to tell me. I clearly remember being babysat by a woman who had a son I attended pre-school with. Every day, he asked me to marry me. Being in pre-K, of course I said no. But I remember it. I remember his name and what he looked like. I remember we always had to play house, and I was the mom, and he was the dad, and his brother was our son. I always got mad we always had to play house. :) But now, it's a fond memory, and I think back on it and wonder where he is now, and I hope he's well.



I was madly pursued all through elementary school by a boy who was a real sweetheart, but again, I was too young to date. That didn't stop him from slyly sneaking up to my mother in a 2 piece suit at our second grade school concert and asking "if me and my family would please accompany his family to the New York City Ballet." No lie, that's exactly what he said. A SECOND grader! Of course I was dragged to that, and bribed with chocolate I never did end up seeing to sit next to him. I remember some gifts he gave me later on in elementary school too. I liked collecting glass figurines, how he knew that I'll never know. But one year, he gave me a glass rabbit holding a saxaphone- it looked like Beatrice Potter's Peter Rabbit. And another year he gave me a glass swan. I still have both of them and treasure the memories I have of him.



In junior high, a boy on my school bus liked me. He got the entire school bus to petition on his behalf for me to go out with him. However, at the time I didn't really know him, plus I was only in seventh grade- not really interested in dating. In time we became friends, he and his family started attending our Church. Now he's married to a sweet girl. I still remember those times on the school bus.



Also in junior high (this time in 8 grade), I was asked to dance by one of my friends at our Valentine's Day dance. Towards the end of the dance, he asked me out, and I did say yes. I remember he squeezed me in a tight hug because he was happy I said yes. However, over the weekend, I realized I was too young to date, and I shouldn't "go out with him." But I agonized over it almost to the point of making myself sick. Before I broke things off with him, he had given me a Valentine's Day card. It was larger than your average card, maybe 9 inches tall or so. It had a mouse on the front. I remember it clearly. I thought it was so cute. How could he have known that years later, I'd be working with mice every day? I hated hurting him by "breaking up with him." I hated (and still do) turning people away. After all, I've been on the receiving end of rejection myself, and it always stings. Over time, the pain lessens, but it still hurts a lot in the beginning.



There were a few others, but I don't want to make this too long, nor make it seem like I'm blowing my own horn by making it seem like I'm so desireable and wanted or something. First, I'm not that desireable in the first place, and the point of this blog is not to focus on me but more on those who (while they may not have thought so or realized at the time) I feel paid me the highest compliment by liking me and letting me know it. Just because I didn't say yes, doesn't mean I wrote them off, or thought badly of them.



Now that I've written this, I'm not quite sure why I wrote it, or if anyone will care but me. But at the end of the day, it really is the truth and I wish I could find them all and tell them that.

Officially a blogger!

Hey Everyone!

After blogging on myspace for quite a while (check it out at myspace.com/blossomjp) I've finally decided to create my own blogspace. Sometimes I write about serious things, sometimes silly things, sometimes happy things, sometimes sad things. Whatever is on my heart at the time comes out in my writing. For anyone who reads my blog, feel free to send me comments whenever you like! :)

Currently I'm reading a new book called "A scandalous freedom" by Stephen Brown. It's definitely interesting, and sometimes confusing, because he's breaking down ideas that have been drilled in my head since I was young. It's about how we as Christians should be free, totally free, but we completely bind ourselves with rules and regulations and get caught up in all the legalistic stuff. According to the author, the pretense we Christians portray is what turns non-Christians away, not hypocrisy. One great section of his book I'd like to share.

"Abraham Lincoln went to a slave market and he bid and won a young African American woman. When she came to him he simply said, "You're free" and turned to walk away. The woman was incredulous.
"What is free?" She asked. "Does that mean I can say what I want to say?"
And Lincoln replied, "Yes, you are free to say what you want to say."
And the woman then asked, "Does that mean I'm free to be what I want to be?"
And Lincoln replied, "Yes, you can be whatever you want to be." And then the woman asked, "Does that mean I can go wherever I want to go?"
And Lincoln smiled and said, "Yes, you can go wherever you want to go."
The woman's eyes filled with tears as she said, "Then I think I'll go with you."

This story illustrates what Jesus did for us. We were bought with a price, and we now have a new master. One who set us free after he paid the price."

I really liked that passage, I thought it was a great illustration.

Anyway, I've only just started the book, but as I read on I'm sure I'll be writing about more ideas I've learned from it. Stay tuned! :)