Sunday, July 27, 2008

Fairest


I'll openly admit that I love to read, and not just thick adult novels off of Opera's must-read list. I love the simplicity and fun plots of children and young adults books too. One of my absolute favorite books of all time is Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine. And I mean the story from the actual book, not that miserable nonsense they call a movie. It really only shares the title, I refuse to watch that monstrosity. But back to the point, Gail Carson Levine is a fabulous author. She weaves fantasy tales the way spiders do webs. Ella Enchanted is the best fractured fairy tale I've ever read- it's a version of Cinderella, for anyone who's never heard of the book. Anyway, as I was browsing through the books at Target last week, it was all I could do to keep from shrieking when I saw a new book by Gail called Fairest. This time it's a version of Snow White.


Like all her stories, it's fabulous. I was sucked in immediately and read it in one sitting. The point of the story is beauty- what true beauty really is. The protaganist and main character is Aza- who is, by the standards of her fellow people, ugly. Though she is blessed with an amazing voice. The underlying points of the story follows how Aza struggles with her self esteem, and how the pursuit of beauty affects people. It's a really good story that everyone can learn from, especially in today's society, where physical beauty is revered over so many things, and people will go to great lengths to become beautiful (or stay beautiful). It brings to mind an episode of the Twilight Zone I had seen. It opens up in a hospital room, where a bunch of doctors are surrounding a woman in a hospital bed. She has bandages all over her face. Through the dialog, we understand that the woman was severely ugly and deformed, and this surgery was performed in hopes of "fixing" her face, and making her beautiful. However, there were no guarentees, and the doctors warn her before they take the bandages off that the surgery may not have worked. Now, the whole time, we've never actually seen the doctors faces. Once they remove the bandages, there are shrieks of horror, and sobbing, and everyone proclaims in sadness that the procedure didn't work, she's still so ugly. Then we're shown the woman, and she is (to us) a beautiful woman! Then we finally see the doctors, and they have wide, contorted faces, with large blunt noses, long chins, and enormous foreheads. The episode ends with a handsome man coming to escort the woman away to a small sanctuary where the "ugly" people stay, amongst themselves, so they're not a burden to the rest of society. The main point was obviously that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


And that's also the case in Fairest. At the end, Aza does marry her prince, who fell in love with her from the very beginning, because of her kind, sweet soul, and her many other attributes that make people truly lovely. I'm glad I read it. Like probably everyone, I often struggle with my self esteem, I'm probably my own worst critic. Just the other day I thought to myself, "I have a face for radio, and a voice for silent movies." I had to shake myself out of those negative thoughts, but it is hard. Every day we're constantly bombarded with images of "perfect" people, and I don't live up to that. No one does, because the people in movies have tons of makeup on, their hair is constantly styled by professionals, their clothing perfectly picked out to best flatter their body. In magazines, it's the same deal, except they can also be airbrushed to perfection (which they often are). I know this, yet I have to remind myself again, and again, and again. So books like Fairest are such a comfort to me, and a good reminder as well. I've been blessed so much, and while I may not be perfect in the world's eyes, I am me, made by God, who never makes mistakes, and who has made me perfect in him. Thank you, God!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Goodbye, Grissom


So I don't watch too much TV- first, because I didn't grow up with it so it's not a huge factor in my life, but secondly, because most of it is just plain crap anyway. But one of the shows that I do watch and love (despite the fact that I find things wrong with it all the time) is CSI. The original CSI, set in Las Vegas, has always been my favorite, although I have to honestly say that CSI:NY snuck up as my favorite this past season. But to get to the point, I just found out that Grissom, the head of the CSI lab, will be leaving the show halfway through this coming season. I was so incredibly sad to hear that, he's definitely my favorite character and the show won't be the same without him. I'm pretty sure most people feel that way, so I'm banking that this last season coming up will probably be the last run. Grissom (played by William Peterson) was just amazing, and completely carried the show. Although don't get me wrong, I love a lot of the other characters (Greg especially!) but without Grissom.... I just don't think I'll be able to watch anymore. :( Sniff. Goodbye, Grissom, you will be missed!

Monday, July 21, 2008

What if I stumble?

I love this song... It articulates how I feel so often... I don't want to let fear rule my life anymore.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians- who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford? You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame Cause I see the trust in their eyes Though the sky is falling They need Your love in their lives Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose The fear that lives within me Or the rate at which it grows If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble?

Everyone's got to crawl when you know that You're up against a wall, it's about to fall Everyone's got to crawl when you know that I hear You whispering my name [You say] "My love for You will never change" [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all What if I stumble, what if I fall? You are my comfort, and my GodIs this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REkHgHSYaSk

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Change of Plans

Well, I was planning on staying home in Ardmore this weekend, but with the heavy heat wave that arrived mid-week, I packed up and headed to my parents house and swimming pool. It was so nice to just lay out and swim and tan this weekend. Saturday night I went shopping with my mom, and had a great time! I picked up a few things I really needed, and my mom found some pretty tops and skirts and jewelery. It was a nice girls night.

This morning, I faced a bit of a challenge deciding where to go to Church. Did I want to drive back to Lansdale to my own Church? Should I go to my parents new Church in Hamburg? Or should I go to my old home Church in Kutztown? I thought a lot about it and decided on going to my old home Church in Kutztown. While I miss going to LPC and haven't been there in a while due to coming home for the summer, I left Grace Church with a lot of hurt feelings, bitterness, and unforgiveness in my heart. I've been praying a lot lately about it and have really wanted to change, and drop these burdens and grudges I've been carrying for so long. I need and long for healing, and I was hoping that going there today would help.

So, I prayed this morning, specifically asking to see the Church and the people in it the way God does. To look on them with love, instead of bitter hurt. And I'm so glad I went. I got to see and talk to a lot of people today, and was reminded that many of them still love and care for me and my family and miss us. I was reminded of all the good memories that I did have there. While a lot of bad things did happen there, there were so many great memories I have and wonderful things that happened to me while I attended Grace. I don't want to forget or overlook that. And while I still think I have a way to go, I feel that this morning really helped the healing process along for me. I feel lighter and more peaceful than I have in a long time. I thank God for my time at Grace. Through the good and the bad, I'm the person I am today because of it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

More words of wisdom :)

Continuing my time of trying to prepare myself and learn more about relationships and marriage, I met with a younger couple from my Church, Brian and Mary Hand. I had a wonderful time of fellowship with them, and learned a lot about relationships in general. Like Pam and Steve, they gave me a lot to think about and I feel very blessed to not only know them, but to count them as friends and to have been able to speak so candidly about questions, worries, concerns, and general thoughts about relationships.

From Brian and Mary, I learned that key aspects to any relationship are good communication, flexibility, and the ability to compromise with one another. They mentioned that while marriage is wonderful, a true gift from God, (who should be at the center of the relationship, first and foremost) it isn't a fairy tale either. There are hum drum days, just like when you're single. As Mary said, it's not this utopia that will all of the sudden make your life complete and wonderful. It does take work, and also, it's good to check yourself and make sure you're not putting these unrealistic expectations on the other person. Also, they couldn't speak more highly of pre-marital counseling. They actually went to Pam and Steve for their pre-marital counseling, and said it definitely helped prepare them for marriage. Pam and Steve went over hard questions that most people don't think of or want to face, and it's good to think of these things before entering into the commitment of marriage. Accountability in general is a good thing when entering into a new relationship as well. Getting outside perspectives can help affirm a good relationship, or help you see clearly that something may not be the best thing. Mary also said something very wise that stuck with me tonight- "no matter how lonely you may feel when your single, entering into marriage with the wrong person will be so much lonelier."

Brian also wisely mentioned that in my love for my family, one of the things I can do to prepare myself for a future relationship is to look for someone family oriented, as well. Also, to be prepared (if entering into marriage) to start a new family, and be able to make my husband my first priority, not my parents. Which is true and a very good point, and something I've recognized recently. I'm enjoying my time with my parents now, knowing that in the future, whenever it may be, I may not have the freedom to visit as often as I do now, so I treasure the moments I have with them now.

Overall, I had such a great time with them and I really learned a lot. It's been great to be able to glean such wisdom from these two couples and I've been blessed so much already. I hope for any singles reading my blog (or even married couples!) these words of wisdom help you as well. :)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sisyphus

Why does it seem that as soon as I get a little bit ahead, or just break even, something happens to screw it up and set me back again?

Last night I came home and found some potentially bad news waiting for me. If it's not a mistake of some sort (which I'm hoping for) it is definitely bad news for me. I found myself anxious and upset all night and into this morning. After crying out to God this morning, I told him through my fears that I felt like Sisyphus. He's a character in a greek myth who was punished in hades by having to push a huge rock up a hill, and once it got to the top it slid back down again and he'd have to push it back up again. Over and over and over again. But then God spoke to my heart, just by giving me a quick thought about that. In this world, unfortunately, I'm going to have problems. I'm going to be rolling rocks up hills a lot. Everyone does and it's a fact of life. But unlike Sisyphus, while there are times I'm stuck rolling rocks up hills, I don't have to do it alone. God is always with me, helping me, he's my refuge in times of trouble. Jesus even said, "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." When oxen or horses or mules were learning to pull a cart or plow, the younger, inexperienced animal would be yoked to an older, experienced animal. The older animal would take more of the weight of the cart or plow and lead the younger one. This is what Jesus does for us, for me. I'm yoked with him, but he's taking the burden from me. When I'm in situations in life where I'm pushing rocks up hills, he's with me, taking the weight of the rock from me to get it to the top. It's still hard, and I still have times of fear and uncertainty. But knowing that Jesus is with me and helping me makes it so much easier to bear.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thunderstorms and rainy days

As I sit here writing, I am lulled by the sound of rain pattering on the roof, and thunder rolling in the background. There's just something about summer afternoon thunderstorms that I like. Something about the daytime makes them almost peaceful, relaxing, instead of scary. The best part is watching them roll in, with the clouds darkening and the air getting heavy and thicker. The way the world just feels like it's waiting. Waiting for the moment when the clouds just let loose and the rain pours down and the heavens rumble with the cracks and groans of lightening. I like the way the rain is warm on your face, instead of cold and harsh, like during winter and early spring rain. Best of all, I love the way the world feels after it rains. The dewy, earthy smell after it rains is so refreshing. The earth is clean and sparkling. Sometimes rainbows peak through the clouds if the sun pushes through to dry up that afternoon rain. I like hearing the drip, drip, drip off the rainspout once the storm has rolled on. It's such a good time, and I love it.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Prayer time

I like to pray in the car.



I find it's a great time to talk to God, especially when I'm driving longer distances like between my apartment and my parents house. There's an hour and a half of peaceful, un-interrupted time for just me and him.



Last night, as I was driving back home, I had a great prayer time. I realized just how much I have, and that I take everything for granted so often. It really made me realize how selfish and self absorbed I really can be. And then it made me want to do something more than what I have been doing. What can I do to help others? To take the focus off myself? I want to start looking into ways I can help others, big and small. Any ideas, let me know! :)

Saturday, July 5, 2008

A new and better Jen

This week, I tried to put into practice some of the things that I recognized I needed to do in regards to being a healthy single woman. With Pam and Steve's words of wisdom in mind, I took a good look at myself. This week, I decided to try to start tearing down walls of my single life brick house I've been building up around me. To do this, I realized I would have to start taking the focus off ME. That's a big reason why singles have a hard time in relationships, they're so used to thinking about themselves that it's hard to be conscious of another person. I know that I've become like this, so this is something I'll definitely need to work on. So, I emailed my friends Rachel and Pat and asked if they wanted to get together- they've lived so close to me (only in Devon, PA) for almost a year, and I never met with them! So Thursday I went to their place. I had a great time. It was nice to catch up over dinner and meet their adorable pets- Molly, a rambunctious chocolate cocker spaniel, and Tug and Miaggi, two calico cats (brothers) with opposite personalities but both were sweethearts. I got to try my hand at guitar hero for the first time ever- and like I knew I would, I really sucked. :) But it was a good time anyway. :)

Also, I tried to start really paying attention to people at work, and my roommate. Instead of just breezing by with a quick "hi, how are you" I tried to take the time and actually stop and listen to them. To see how they've been. To listen to what they did over the weekend and care about it. I'm unfortunately one of those people who loves to talk and so isn't always listening when someone else is talking to me, because I'm eagerly awaiting my own turn to talk. It's a bad habit which I'm really going to work on.

Overall, I felt better this week. I felt like I was reaching out to others, instead of waiting for them to reach out to me. I felt like a better friend and co-worker and roommate this week. It's a good feeling that I'd like to continue. I'm sure there will be times when I lapse into my old behavior, but I hope to persevere. Cheers to a new and better Jen! :)