Resolutions on a roll

So in my last post, I talked about a few New Year's Resolutions I had for myself, and I'm not wasting any time with them! The longer you wait for things, the harder it can be to start something new or reach for goals you've set for yourself. I told myself that after the holidays, I'd really start to reach out for my goal to apply to vet school this year. So last week I sent off my college transcripts and application to the Community College of Philadelphia, where I'm hoping to take a general stats class this spring semester. Once I do that, all my academic requirements will be filled for applying for vet school. I'm really praying I can get a class for this spring!

Also, I just applied to a local cat hospital to become a vet assistant on the weekends. While I'm not loving the thought of having to work every weekend, I thought long and hard and decided that my future goal is more important to me than my present comforts, so I'm sucking it up and doing it. I think the experience I get will be really worth it. So I'm praying that this works out, and that if it doesn't, I find another great opportunity!

Last but not least, I started thinking about the GREs and I just contacted UPenn admissions to check if I needed to only take the general GRE, or the Biology GRE. I'm kinda hoping it's just the general GRE.... being out of school for 3 years, a lot of my biology facts have slipped through the cracks. :P

Anyway, that's my progress so far, as far as my goal for vet school goes. I'm quite pleased!

Another resolution I spoke about was improving my attitude. This one is a little harder to tackle... nothing is as clear cut as my other resolutions. But none the less, I've thought a lot about it.

Almost three years ago, I was in a relationship that I really regret, for hundreds of reasons. When the relationship ended, I was left with feelings of extreme anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness, that I never really resolved. I recognized it, but it still didn't really get resolved. All of those negative feelings have just been eating away at me, and I really think that they're the root of why I'm turning into this person that I hate. I've become so much more cynical and nasty than I've ever been or want to be. I want to be gentle and kind and caring. It's really important to me to let God's love shine through me, but I've been doing such a horrible job of that lately. At best I'm looking like a hypocrite. But really, how can any love shine through me when my heart is filled with such hatred and anger and bitterness?

It's good that I've realized this, because realizing that there is a problem is the first step, and the second is realizing what the problem is. Only then can the problem be fixed. And one of my biggest problems is that I'm wrestling with unforgiveness.... and the main person I'm not forgiving is myself.

I think we're always hardest on ourselves, and I'm a classic case of this. When said relationship ended, my pride suffered severely. I felt like the biggest fool. I knew better! I'm a smart girl, why did I let myself get treated so badly? I wanted to be so mad at the other person, but deep down, I was most angry and bitter with myself, because while I wanted so badly to shift the blame, I knew it all lay on me.

And really, that's a burden to bear. And while I prayed about it, and asked forgiveness for it, and God forgave me for it, it was like I said, "No, God, I want to carry around this heavy burden. I really don't want to be forgiven because I need to be punished. Thanks for the forgiveness, but I don't deserve it, I'll carry this heavy load around to punish myself instead. I know that's what I really deserve." Isn't that strange? It's so funny. I grew up in a Christian home, I understand things so well in my head.... it's understanding them in my heart that is so much harder. God's grace is overwhelming and overflowing, and though I was so parched for it, I ignored it. Despite knowing that no one is deserving of such a gift. It was my arrogant pride that was so injured in that relationship, and it was my pride that was keeping me so injured. How proud was I to assume that I was so undeserving of God's grace? How could I throw such a blessing, such an amazing gift back in his face? It takes a lot of arrogance to say, "thanks God, but your perfect gift, your death on the cross for me, that doesn't mean anything. You suffered and died for nothing, cause I don't want it." By not accepting God's forgiveness, that's essentially what I was saying. I think Satan uses guilt and pride to blind us to the truth so often.

This weekend, I had a real heart to heart with God, and while I'm not completely healed, I finally feel like I'm on my way. I realize it's a process, not just a step. But I feel a lot lighter than I have in a long time. Hopefully, over time, I'll fully heal, and be the person I want to be!

Anyone else have any resolutions they'd like to share? I'd love to hear them, feel free to post a reply or email me with them!