Inhale, Exhale

Tonight, I attended the Saturday night light service at what used to be my old home Church. It was very intimate, only ten of us there including the Pastor. But the sermon spoke right to my heart, it was something I really needed to hear.

Pastor John was talking about the Church, and how every Christian makes up the body of Christ, and each part works together with all the other parts to make it whole and good. A standard concept that Christians frequently hear about. And it's something I've always felt bitter about. For those of you don't know me that well, I grew up in this Church and was brutally hurt and wounded by so many people in the Church, during a vital period in my life where I really needed the support of the Church. I, and my whole family, were hurt and betrayed over and over and over. And since then, I'll admit, I've been fiercely struggling with the anger, bitterness, hurt, and betrayal their actions left in me. Those feelings have been making it incredibly hard for me to forgive them. People always say, "forgive and forget" but I think it should be "forget and forgive," because that would be much much easier to do. I WISH I could forget. I wish I could forget all the happened, forget all the hurt, the anger, the bitterness. It would make forgiveness so much easier. I can't walk in that Church anymore, can't see the people who hurt me, I can't even hear about them from others, without those old familiar feelings sweeping over me and just consuming my heart. Forgiveness seems so far away during those times.

And I hate that. As a Christian, especially the very imperfect one that I am, I have been forgiven for so much, that I could never DREAM of paying back. There's no way. And beyond that, I've been richly blessed in other ways as well. I don't want to be like the parable of the unforgiving servant. Compared to what I've done to God, and the forgiveness he's given me, how could I possibly not forgive these people who hurt me? I know this in my head and yet struggle with it in my heart. I want to forgive them. Yet it seems so hard. And admist all these feelings, the bitterness about how these Christians treated me, how the Church with it's many parts turned against me and my family, that hurts the most. So when I hear sermons about how the body of Christ and the Church is supposed to act, I've been filled with self-righteous indignant anger and bitterness. I think, "Yeah, that's how it's supposed to be. But when I was growing up, my Church was like someone trying to commit suicide by cutting off parts of their body so they could bleed to death- me and my family were chopped off and left to die." That's what I've been thinking. And while it may have been the truth, there's another truth I've been missing which I heard tonight.

Pastor John didn't say how the Church and the body of Christ is supposed to treat you, he spoke of how we should treat the body of Christ. Start focusing on what you can do for others, not what they can do for you. I forget how he worded it exactly, but it was like an arrow into my soul. I've been laying the blame for my feelings at everyone else's feet. I've been thinking about how I'VE been hurt, what they did to ME. He mentioned that we as Christians should live not by looking in a mirror, where we see just our reflection, we should live by looking through windows. You can still see your reflection in a window, though not as clearly, but you can also clearly see the world outside. You take the focus off yourself and start focusing on others. He said that so many times, people sit in Church just wanting to inhale, meaning they only want what others can give them. But we need to exhale too. We need to help others, bless others, in any way we can. A healthy body needs to inhale and exhale in order to survive, and that goes for the Church as well. It's not about what others can do for you or give you, it's what you can do for them. And in exhaling, you naturally inhale as well.

It really hit me. I've been focusing on myself and my pain for so long. No wonder I can't forgive. And yes, I was hurt, but thing about Christians is that while we're on earth, we're still imperfect humans. We make mistakes, and a LOT of them. God knows, and I'll write it over and over, I am so far from perfect. I don't ever want to put on the mask of being a perfect Christian, because it would be a total lie. I realized as I sat there tonight, that I've been inhaling and holding my breath for a long, long time. As I took communion tonight, my heart was closer to God than it's been in a long time. I've been praying for healing, for forgiveness for those I need to forgive, and tonight, God really got through to me. It's time to start breathing deep again.