What is it with matters of the heart? Things don't make sense and nothing is clear to me. I have no idea what to expect and it makes me afraid. Sometimes I long for something, then in the next moment, I fear it and stay where I am. I want to be prepared and certain and instead I feel like I'm in quickstand in the middle of the desert with no one to help pull me out- certain death is imminent. I know it sounds stupid and tragic and melodramatic, but that's how I feel right now. How many metaphors can I write to make it clear how I've been feeling?
I struggle with not really knowing what I want, and my true reasons for wanting/not wanting something. Cryptic, I know. But for instance, I've really been struggling with relationships right now. I know I want to be married and have a family someday, but do I want it now? Or am I just afraid that if I don't reach for it now, the opportunity will pass me by and never come again? Am I just feeling the pressure placed upon me by others? And really, how do you KNOW who is the right one for you? Is there some kind of sign from God? Does he speak to you in a dream? Or is it just another matter of faith, which I'm sure to screw up as I have most other matters of faith in my life because I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing. I don't want to settle for good or ok because I was afraid there was no great, and then find out that there really was a great and I missed it because I just settled for good or ok. But what happens if I skip over good or ok and there never is a great, and then I'm just left with nothing? What's out there besides countless questions and uncertainties? Why am I so paralyzed with fear?
I'm afraid because I fell in love when I was eight years old. I never forgot him, even when he moved states away. I could close my eyes and see him like he was right in front of me. I wandered through jr. high and high school not the least bit interested in dating because I knew he was the one for me and God would bring us together someday so I shouldn't worry. And I didn't. Until God brought us together for two weeks for me to meet his girlfriend. My heart broke as I listened to him confide in me on the front stoop of that humid June night about his insecurities with himself and her and their relationship, but as his friend and because I loved him I choked back my own feelings and encouraged him and helped him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't know what was worse, that night, or that warm October day when he got married to that girl. I didn't attend their wedding, but had another wedding to go to for a friend from school. I only made that wedding because I knew I wouldn't last at the reception, even if it wasn't his. I could picture his wedding and that was enough. I ran home and spent the rest of the day crying in my mothers arms. I felt so broken and ripped open and rejected and the pain seemed unending. And the worst part is I've tried so so hard to forget him, and I can't, even though I know it's a sin because I'm coveting someone else's husband. And now I'm terrified that this is it for me. That there really is no one else, that I'll be left only with bitter haunting memories that taunt me in my lonliness. I'm afraid because I realize that I could have been completely deluding myself all these years and chased after ridiculous empty dreams and now I have nothing to show except pain and brokenness. I'm afraid because I was probably living in a fantasy land, and real life is laughing right in my naive, foolish face.
God, my heart feels so ripped open and raw. It's been bleeding for years. I want so badly to let go, to believe that there is something more out there, that there are good things in store for me yet, but every time I try, it seems like I hit a dead end. And it's just me again. It's always just me, why is it just me? I used to think I was independent and strong and brave, but I was such an idiot, how did I fool myself for so long? I'm NOT strong or brave, now, I'm afraid to look in the mirror because it's all I ever see. Just me. And it seems as if I've come to live the words of this poem, and I don't know what to do to change it.
"Inside my heart there is a room, a room I keep all to myself. It is as empty as a tomb, with only dust upon the shelves. I keep it locked and guard it well- the still within becomes a shrine. And while it's but a hollow shell, I fiercely guard this room of mine. For every time I try to trust, and open wide this secret room, it seems my dreams are turned to dust- so ashes fill my lonely tomb." (author unknown).
A Pretty Good Year
8 years ago
1 comment:
OK Jen… so I just got done reading your blog entry. I am really sorry that you feel like your love life and your future are so disjointed and that you are dealing with a love of the past. I don’t really know how to make you see that you are truly a great person and that anyone would be lucky to have you as their girlfriend, partner, wife, best friend (all things that people are when they are in a relationship, a true one). And probably whatever I say isn’t going to make you see what we all see, because we all have our mind set on certain things and until we see the change we won’t fully believe another person.
For years now I have always wondered, like you have, how you know when the right one for you really comes along. The answers that I always got from people were generic… “Oh you just know” no one ever went into detail or explained. So I am going to explain it to you. I am not trying to throw the fact that I have found someone in your face or anything like that, but I want you to know what it is like and how I realized that Steve was the one for me… so bare with me on this LONG story.
My friend, at the time, Joy, was having her cousin visit from Puerto Rico and she wanted to take him around to show him things. The first thing she wanted to do was take him to the Atlanta Aquarium and she asked everyone in lab if they wanted to go. I said sure that I hadn’t been and I would love to go. So we decided to go that Sunday and she said we could meet at her apartment. I said ok. When I got there it turned out that most people had canceled or were too hung over to go, but the three of us. Well, she said that Steve Budy was still coming, but he called to say that he was running late. We waited a few minutes and he pulled up. So we climbed into Joy’s Pontiac sunfire and drove the two hours to Atlanta, Steve and I were sitting in the back. We were all talking and laughing and we had a great time that day. The next time we went to Six flags which is also in Atlanta. So again Steve and I were in the back seat and he was pretty hung over from the night before so he laid on me and slept on the way down. When we got there we were hanging out at the park and we took Angel (joy’s cousin) on the roller coasters etc. Well Steve’s favorite ride is the Batman, but Angel and Joy did want to go on it so Steve and I went and we had to wait in this long line and we talked the entire time we were in line, about work and each other and our lives in general. Then at the end of the day we all climbed into the car to head home, again Steve and I were in the back seat together. Well it was a long hot day in the park so I started to fall asleep in the car and couldn’t really get comfortable. Steve must have noticed this because he pulled me over to him and had me rest my head on his chest so that I could be comfortable and get some rest. He also fell asleep and we slept like that the entire way home. After that we started emailing and such about different things. I would come up with questions to ask about sports even though I could have googled it or I already knew the answer. I would wonder when I would get to see him next and I was excited and anxious to see him when I knew that I was supposed to see him soon. I never really thought of Steve as someone that I “liked” or wanted to go out with or who I wanted to rip his clothes off and jump behind the bleachers or anything like that. But as I got to know him and hangout with him more I really started to like him. Then one day some plans with Joy fell through and my other friend Dwella said that we should all get together anyway and go to dinner or something. Well on the way there Dwella asked me what I thought of Steve and I just said that he was a really nice guy and that he was a great friend. She told me that I was full of crap and she knew that I liked him and said that I should go for it because she could tell that he liked me too. So she orchestrated a movie night after dinner and once the movie started she mysteriously had to go up to bed (she was living with me at the time). So Steve and I were downstairs a lone and we were curled up watching the movie. I told him that he could stay over if he wanted since it was so late, but he said that he would go home. I said that that was fine and that I would let him know when we watched the other movie since he said that he had wanted to see that one too. (Dwella had conveniently rented two movies). Dwella then went away that weekend so on Sunday I called him and told him that I was planning on watching the movie and that he was welcome to come for dinner and a movie. Well he came and we watched the movie and it was late again before we were finished. So I said that since Dwella was out of town he could stay in her room if he wanted so that he didn’t have to venture home so late. He thanked me and took me up on my offer. We both went upstairs and I went into the bathroom to take my contacts out and stuff like that. Then I went into my room and yelled good night to him, well the response of ‘thanks you too” was closer to me than I thought and looked up and he was laying in my bed on the left side. I just laughed and said that I thought that he got lost. Apparently he said that he didn’t so I climbed into bed and told him that he could stay sleeping in the bed with me but that there would be no sex. He said that he was fine with the rules and so that was the first night that we shared a bed and curled up together to sleep and doing nothing, but sleeping. (It was important for me to not sleep with him before I was ready… I didn’t want to look easy etc. I think we were together for about a month and a half or two months before we had sex.)For the two weeks after that first night he came over pretty much every night. I knew that we were soon going to go to PA/NY and stay with my family and I wanted to know what Steve was thinking about what we were doing… like did he want a relationship or was he just trying to get laid and move on. So I asked what he thought we were doing and what he wanted out of it… He said that he wanted to have a relationship with me and really get to know me. Then we went to PA/NY to take Joy’s cousin so we stayed at my uncle’s house and we managed to get to stay in the same room/ bed. I didn’t tell my family that I was dating Steve at the time but of course my uncle picked up on it and after we left he told everyone that he suspected it. So when we got back we started back on our routine here and Steve came over and we spent the evenings together etc and then we started hanging out more and more together and it has continued since.
I knew that he was “the one” (the reasons are in no particular order), because I knew that I trusted him completely, that I couldn’t wait for him to come home, I would email him throughout the day and wait impatiently for his response and be bummed if I didn’t get one, I would light up and feel genuinely happier when he would walk into a room even if he wasn’t there to see me or even talk to me just seeing him would make me happy, I could and would tell him anything and everything, that when we were apart I missed him, that when we were together I was happier than I had ever been, that when I would get exciting news he would be the first person that I wanted to tell (not like before when I would tell my mom or family), when we would look at each other and smiles would spread across our faces for no apparent reason, he could make me laugh like no one else, that I could cry in front of him and not be ashamed or embarrassed, that he would hold me close and tell me that whatever was wrong was going to be ok, that we would stand up for each other, that when we were in public he was not afraid to let it be known that he was there with me and that I was his girlfriend, that he was there for me no matter how stupid what I was saying or complaining about was, that he was willing to compromise with me on things that we disagreed about, that he made me feel calm even when we were in stressful situations, that his laid back personality was a good compliment to my OCD nature... I could probably go on forever about how fabulous Steve is, but I am sure that you are ready to poke your eyes out or vomit.
The thing is that their saying of “you will know when you find the right one” is true… as frustrating as it is… you will know. The hard part is that you still have to put yourself out there and get your heart broken a few times before you find that right person. But Jen you will know and you will find that person, it just takes time and you know what I think, I think that it will happen at the last place that you expect it to. Look at me and Steve… Steve was just the guy that was going with us on our trips, but he ended up being my one. It sucks to be alone, or to feel alone in the world. I was alone for a long time so I can understand and people started to get married and fall in love and hell Sarah had her first baby before I even graduated from college. Some people, like Sarah, are lucky and they find their “ones” very early on, others like me and you had to wait awhile. I still feel the pressure around me to get married and having kids probably even more now that I have someone. Granted I would love to be engaged to steve and be planning a wedding, but realistically neither of us are ready to be getting married (maybe in engaged, but it would be a long one) because we are both still in school and we currently live on different sides of the country. So we are in no rush; things will happen when they are meant to happen and I think that that is what is going to happen for you. You will know when it is right and you will figure out what you want it just takes time and maybe you haven’t quite figured it all out, but life never follows the plan that you set out, life tends to have a mind of its own. So my recommendation would be to just go with the flow, do whatever you want and enjoy what you are doing, eventually you will find that person and start your family etc. We are only 25, well you are still 24… so you have plenty of time look at all the people in there 40s having kids we have plenty of time right? If you ever want to talk, etc… you know how to find me!
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